


self-actualizations

by quietdays



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, written under an hour pls be gently thank u
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 11:44:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8889475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietdays/pseuds/quietdays
Summary: or the one where tooru kinda realizes that he likes his best friend in a more than best friends way





	

**Author's Note:**

> hi. how are y'all. its been like 2 months since ive last written smth so have this.

There was a strange fire burning in the deepest crevices of Tooru’s chest and ribs. It was not as if there is no fire in there, it wasn’t the case—whenever cute girls are involved, whenever volleyball is being played and whenever victory is at stake a fire was being lit at the very core of Tooru’s soul.

He is not strange to the very warm feeling of fire in pits of his chest, on the contrary he was very much acquainted with that feeling. He knew the thrill of being with someone, the thrill of adrenaline and the thrill of fire consuming him whole. He knew it—hell, he chased after it, even.

This fire starting to burn wildly in his chest (starting to consume him whole despite him not knowing what it is—despite him not yet solving the mystery of this flickering ember, it’s weird—it’s a bit stragne but at the same time, Tooru thinks he likes it), was the strangest thing he had ever felt. Strange in a good way, don’t misunderstand him. There is comfort, a warm comfort that somehow reminds him of a cozy home and his mother’s cooking, in this fire but the cause of this fire—a bit bewildering perhaps.

Was it strange that every time Tooru looked at his best friend since childhood—even since they were babies—this fire in his chest would grow an infinite times bigger? Tooru didn’t know, and perhaps his beating heart was not ready for it yet. All he knows that Iwaizumi— _Hajime_ now, Tooru keeps forgetting he can call Iwaizumi by his first name. They’re now almost in university, and somehow the thought of calling each other by their first names might solidify their relationship as best friends forever until death (which is dumb, but Tooru is somehow glad that he can call _Hajime_ by his first name.)—can somehow make the fire in his chest blaze in all its warm glory with one look and can make it calm and gentle with one smile.

It’s strange—this isn’t normal, is it? Tooru doesn’t know as he’s spent most of his high school life chasing some skirts, studying for exams and volleyball; he’s not quite the person you’d go to ask for information on what’s normal and what isn’t.

There is only one thing Tooru knows, one thing he is absolutely positive of. He knows that the fire in his chest, growing exponentially bigger by the minute that he’s afraid that it might really burn him for real, is much warmer and much cozier than any of the fire he has felt. The fire he’s felt from chasing girls almost went out right away the minute they said yes, the fire he’s felt from volleyball seems so much harsher in comparison with this flame.

Perhaps the fire from victory is the only kind of fire close  to this— _thing_ he feels for his dearest childhood friend, only tinged with bitter sweetness that somehow makes his heart ache for more and makes him hurt in all the right ways.

How did this even start anyways?

(Did it start when _Hajime_ kept it inside him, all his fears and sadness and anger, to comfort him and his team mates? No—no, it couldn’t be from those times, it goes back a long time ago. Tooru remembers feeling this warmth budding in his chest long before those days.

The face of anger he makes when Tooru slacks off? Or all the times from even when they were kids, when Hajime would give way and be a bit kind to Tooru, doing whatever the boy wants as long as it didn’t quite get them in trouble? How Hajime also took up the sport volleyball because Tooru was interested in it? Hajime was kind, even more than Tooru’s own mother. He was strict and easily got angry, yes, but he was also the biggest softie Tooru knew, giving considerations and spoiling both Tooru and his underclassmen.

Thinking back on it, how did Tooru ever deserve a guy like Hajime in his life? He did not understand how someone as kind as him could stick around with someone as selfish as him.)

(Though perhaps, Hajime can be quite the selfish person too. Saying he only joined volleyball for Tooru but everyone knows he also fell in love with the sport, feeling the sadness that could rival his childhood friend’s when they lost against Karasuno when they were in high school.

Tooru knows, he was there when Hajime also crumbled—far away from everyone, but close enough for Tooru to see and to touch and to comfort like he had done almost hours ago.)

(“It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to cry.”

Now who said that?)

(Hint: It was the both of them, at different times but still to each other.)

* * *

 

(“Iwaizumi, you’ve been holding it in too, haven’t you?” Tooru asks, eyes red from crying hours ago. They’re in the room of Hajime and they are both tired both emotionally and physically from the day. A week from that day, they would be busy preparing for their college exams and for their future.

“What do you mean, you dumbass?” Hajime replies and Tooru catches the tell-tale strain in his old friend’s voice. It is subtle, but years of being friends with Hajime have taught Tooru to know when the other was frustrated and about to blow.

“I’m _just_ saying and returning the favor.” Tooru moves from his spot from Hajime’s bed. Tears are somehow starting to make its way back into Tooru’s eyes despite having cried for two hours straight a while ago, but still—seeing your team mate, _you’re best friend_ —seeing Hajime trying his best to cover up his true feelings and being reminded they lost _hurts_. He goes up to Hajime and opens up his arms for the other. “You can cry, you know? It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to cry.”

Hajime looks at him, and Tooru prepares for an object being thrown at him, hoping it to be a pillow. He does not expect for the object that was thrown at him to be the boy himself. Hajime jumps and embraces him, crying onto Tooru’s shoulders.

The two stay like that for some while—two boys crying for a championship that they didn’t reach, two boys just crying in disappointment.

Perhaps, it was also the day Tooru felt the small flicker of flame in his chest grow into one smoldering blaze.)

* * *

 

Tooru thinks, and he thinks hard.  He thinks about him and Hajime and their long history and years together. He fondly recalls childhood memories and high school memories and basically all memories he has with Hajime and at the same time he recalls—the flame in his chest becomes bigger, encompassing his whole body with warmth that’s comfortable when it shouldn’t be. It burns in all the right ways and he almost smiles.

Was it natural for him to be in love with his childhood friend?

Tooru almost yelps as that thought enters his mind. Now when did love enter the picture? Was it even possible—to be in love with someone you’ve known ever since childhood? Tooru’s fist balls up and he presses his fingernails into his palms hard enough that he leaves crescent shaped marks.

Wasn’t this a dangerous and unknown territory he was venturing in? He knows what might happens if he decides to fully accept this—he’s watched and read enough shows and books to know about this types of situations! (but he also knows that real life and fiction are almost the complete opposite of each other.)

Tooru sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. He takes his glasses from somewhere in his bed and puts them on. He also takes his bag on the floor and cracks open his textbook. Instead of worrying about feelings that may destroy a decade all relationship, he ought to study for his college exams.

(He says that now, but no studying got completed as he thought and pondered on his feelings some more, leading him to conclude that _yes_ he might like his childhood friend a bit more than in a _friends_ way and he _absolutely_ does not know how to proceed with this kind of information.

The fire in his chest glows brightly and warmly, yet Tooru does not quite remember it hurting that much.)

**Author's Note:**

> this also on tumblr.


End file.
